Living Overload

I don’t have a title for this post because I honestly never thought I would post something like this, but lets get into it. Most of you know since coming to my blog that I have been on this self-love journey of dating myself. Some people start off by loving their selves before they love someone else. But this is not how my story goes. When I decided to date myself, it was after a break-up. I was in a long-term relationship, six years to be exact, and it ended very quickly that I was left confused and angry.

I tried for a really long time to fill the void that he left. I tried to talk to new people, I tried going to different places, I tried so hard to get over him and what we had, only to realize, I hadn’t gotten over him. Mentally I was still upset and I don’t know why I thought those feelings would hurt me if I felt them. Having feelings of hurt, anger, confusion, and being upset shouldn’t be scary and it’s okay to feel them. It’s part of the process in discovering who you are. I am a strong person, who likes to have the idea that I have it put together most of the time. For me to sit down with myself, and realize that I don’t have my shit together, and I am not over him, was extremely hard.

I have been fighting with myself to not feel hurt, but I am. I have been having a lot of challenging moments that put me into dark places, places that I have begged God to bring me out of. There are more times than I can remember that I have asked God, pleaded with God, to let me forget him, let me not be hurt by the sight of seeing him with someone else. I have tried to tell God that I am not capable of going through this heartache. In the moments of trying to reason with God, I forgot his plan for me. I forgot that this is what is supposed to happen, he is pushing me into feelings I don’t normally crack into. He is pushing me to become a better human being by feeling ALL of my feelings and not just the good ones. Whenever my pleading with God doesn’t work, I spend a few days trying to figure out why God would put me through something like this. The only thing I can think of, as to why I am feeling everything so deeply, is so I can better connect with people on a deeper level.

I won’t lie, I’ve had thoughts of what-ifs in my last relationship. When things went south, I thought, “Is this really what I deserve?” I longed for deeper connections, soul-worthy connections. I wanted to grow and dive deeper into the relationship, but found myself the only one trying to do so. When our relationship ended and he dumped me, I realized maybe this is what I needed. We always talked about marriage, and few moments in our relationship, I had wanted to, and other times I didn’t. We planned our whole future together. We fixed up a house, rescued some of the most beautiful and amazing pups, talked about baby names, and if we would want to know the gender or not. We talked a lot about all the potentials in our future, but we couldn’t seem to talk about our feelings. It’s not one or the others fault, we both at the time weren’t prepared or ready to jump into those conversations. I am not one to admit that I am not okay, I like to control the situation, and if that means by saying, “I’m fine” when I am not just so I don’t have to be vulnerable then that’s what I did.

But at some point a few months ago, I felt the need for growth. I felt like I was stuck, and the only way to become unstuck was to become a better human-being. To do things I would never do, talk about things I have hid within myself for far too long. For so many days, I had questioned if I was ready to dive into the unknown of who I am and what I will become. I was scared I would end up alone, or what if the relationship I have now is as good as it gets? I was so afraid to be alone, but being alone is so freeing. I think I confused the words lonely and being alone. I am never alone, I have so many people who care about me, love me, and check in on me, that I would never be alone. Lonely, is what I was really afraid of. Not having someone to talk to everyday about my day or all the exciting things happening in my life. I wouldn’t have that person who formed into my best friend for the last six years. I wouldn’t have him to go to, when things didn’t go as planned. To be honest, he was my safety net. I have never felt more comfortable with someone in my life before. But I got so comfortable that allowed myself to become stuck, because I was too scared to fail or even try. The perfect scenario would have been that him and I could become better people, that we could work together as a team and we could do it together. But the perfect scenario doesn’t exist, and that wasn’t an option I was left with. I planned out what we could become, but fell short, when I realized you can’t force someone to want to do better. You either want to or you don’t. The options I had, were to stay with him, fight day in and day out, never talk about our issues, never resolve anything, and feel worthless, but I would be in my comfort zone and I would still have him as my safety net. Or the other option was to forgive and forget. Forgive him for all the heartache I felt in our relationship, grow into a person I would be proud of, even if that meant I was doing it all by myself. Discover who I am, what I want from life, and find those deeper connections I have been longing for. If I knew what I know now, and where I am today, I’m not sure I would have risked it all, but I am so glad I did.

I have accomplished so much personal growth in this last week alone, than I have my whole life. I have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving for me is the easy part, it’s the forgetting side that seems to be a struggle. I make jokes when I feel upset, or I feel vulnerable, and sometimes when I make jokes, they are targeted towards the people that hurt me. It’s like small digs I am making at people for what they have done. I joke about it because I am hurt and I don’t want them to feel like they’ve won by hurting me, so I make side comments about what they did, which in result, leaves them feeling like shit sometimes. I don’t mean to do it on purpose, it just comes out. I only do it for me, so I can make myself laugh, and I won’t have to feel those hard feelings. But as I saw a photo of him moving on with someone else, I decided to feel in that moment. It was painful to say the least. I cried a lot, was instantly upset, my stomach turned to knots and I was physically sick. I honestly thought I was going to throw up. It felt like the weight of the world was weighing on my heart. All the sudden I couldn’t breathe, and at first I asked God to pull me out, I didn’t want to feel these feelings anymore, I wasn’t ready. But he kept me there and I had a major breakthrough in my self-love journey that I wouldn’t have had, if he would have made me get over him when I asked before. First, I sat there trying to name ten things that I am proud of myself for or great qualities about myself. I made it to five things when I realized I can’t control what he does, or who he hangs out with. I can’t control his method into healing. All I can do is control how I react, and in this moment, I grew more than I have ever thought possible. The old Allie would have started a fight with him, she would have acted on anger and wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But the Allie of today didn’t do that, and I am so glad I didn’t. Instead I sat there, feeling every single bad feeling that ran through my body as I processed what I just saw. I let myself feel everything for the first time and decided that I forgive him. Every intentional and unintentional hurt that fled into our relationship that I have held grudges over, I just let go. I’ve held onto grudges for years, always remembering and constantly reminding him what he did, never letting him off the hook for his mistakes. But in that moment, I realized for me, for my self-love, to heal myself and move on, I would forgive him and I would forget. It was so liberating being able to look myself in the face and say I forgive him and I wipe his slate clean. It’s not that he needs me to tell him he is off the hook for everything I went through, but I am in a place now where I can honestly, 100%, say I thank him for everything I went through, because if he didn’t put me in such dark places, I would never be able to grow into the person I am supposed to become. He gave me the stepping stones I needed so I can repair myself, and grow. I’ve wanted nothing more in the last few months, than to grow. I am able to connect on deeper levels, I am preparing myself to be vulnerable so I can have those deeper conversations I have been longing for. I have renewed the way I think and react. I’ve had so many personal accomplishments based off the situations he unintentionally pushed me into. Without all the heartache I have endured and the opportunity to overcome them, I would have never been able to have the ability to accomplish who I was set out to be, or become the person God knew I would be.

I am more understanding of other people’s thoughts and feelings than I was before. Sometimes when you are feeling a certain way, it’s hard to think of others happiness when you don’t have too much for yourself right now. But even realizing you may not be thinking of their feelings, just acknowledging someone else’s thoughts and feelings is a great way to become more aware of everything around you. As for the new girl in his life, I don’t have any negative feelings towards you. I know you are just trying to be happy and have fun and I am not mad that you’ve found that in him. I hope you make him happy and I really hope you can love him in the ways that I couldn’t. I don’t mean this in a vindictive or malicious way, just speaking from girl to girl, be cautious. Your heart is open to all the possibilities he has to offer, and I have been through enough hurt for the both of us, that I would never want you to be put into all of that chaos, so for the sake of you, know your worth. As for my almost happily ever after, I don’t expect you to learn anything from our failed relationship. But if you were to take one lesson away from this, I would want you to be honest with the next girl, something you weren’t able to do with me. So honest that it becomes a healthy fault, that you can’t lie. Even though I’m resilient, she may not be, and no one deserves to be lied to. Honesty is key and I want to see you happy and married like you wanted.

As for me, I will continue being lonely, growing, and patiently waiting for my actual happily ever after. I am excited for the future because this time around, I don’t plan on seeking anyone, I plan on God leading me to my husband. I am actually really excited to see who God as planned for me and my future. I thought I knew what I wanted in a man, but I know God will send me who I need, someone I may not even know I will need, but in God’s timing, everything will make perfect sense. Thank you Lord for always being with me and guiding me through my darkest moments and letting my light still shine. I owe all of my personal growth to you, and I am ready to heal, even if that means I have to feel.

Sending lots of love and happiness to you all,
– Allie