So it’s been a few days, maybe even a week since my last post. Since then, I have still been struggling with my ex moving on so fast. I meant everything I said in my last post but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept, even though I wish it did. Lately I have been so hung up on the things he said to me, after we broke up. I am the type of person to ALWAYS think before I speak. I never say anything I don’t mean. Even when I am mad, I like to have my space and think about everything and process how I am feeling because I know words can have a life-long damaging effect on someone, and you can never take back words you’ve already said. I have always been like this, and I will continue to always be like this. It’s one of the many qualities I absolutely love about myself. I believe that your word is the only thing you really have. If you don’t have your word, then how are people going to believe you? Your word is yours, it is so powerful because no one can take that away from you. I choose to use my word for the greater power and spread kindness. I never want to hurt someone by saying things I don’t mean.
My ex is not like this at all. Which is really hard for me, because as you now know, I mean everything I say, so I am a very literal person. I take everything to heart because I believe if you say something, you mean it. Even though I know people don’t have the same concept and mentality as I do, he knows this about me, and he uses that against me, which absolutely sucks.
I have been a victim to my own thoughts these last few weeks. I have been overthinking all the terrible things he has said to me. No matter how hard I try to forget what he said, I can’t seem to shake it. Have you ever been in a situation where a random thought comes to your mind, and it might be a bad memory or a sad one, and you try to block it out, but the more you do, the more it stays in your head? It’s like that psychological game where someone tells you, “Don’t think of a white elephant” and because you aren’t supposed to think about it, all the sudden that is all you are thinking about. That’s what this feels like to me. I have tried to tell myself to stop thinking about it, but the more I do, the more it floods my thoughts. I felt like my mind was working against me. That is something I have never had to deal with before. It was stressing me out, a lot. No matter what I did, or where I went, something reminded me of him, and then all those negative thoughts came back to me and I felt like I was drowning.
How is it, months after he broke up with me, he is still toying with me? How is that fair? I am mentally exhausted, I have been sleeping a lot. But even when I sleep, I dream about him and her together, and everything he said to me, and even while I am asleep, I still can’t escape from it.
I try really hard every single day to choose joy just because. No reason, other than to try to find the light amidst the darkness. I feel like I have been praying 24/7, literally. Anytime a bad thought reenters my brain, I ask God to bring me peace. For him to help me with my problems, and allow me to think of something else. To be honest, I started to believe that my prayers weren’t being answered, and I know he hears me, and I know in his timing, one day I will be relieved of all this pain. But right now I am suffocating, and I felt like all these prayers I have been sending his way weren’t getting me anywhere and I didn’t know how much longer I could think about everything that has happened before I lost my mind. Just this morning I woke up, and was thinking about it, and I wondered, why do I believe? For a split second, I thought what would happen if I just gave up on praying? It didn’t feel like anything was working anyway, so why spend all of my energy praying when I still couldn’t breathe afterwards? But I knew that this when I needed God the most. Times where I don’t think I will make it on my own, I have to keep believing and continue to have faith in him because he is listening, and he is answering my prayers, they are just in his timing.
I went to bible study on Tuesday, something I haven’t been able to go to, and with everything that was going on, I didn’t think I had the time or the capability to sit in front of new friends and put on a brave face. But one of the girls asked if I was going to be there, and I figured, “Allie, why not go? It will give you something to do, and maybe you won’t think about everything so much if you are surrounded by others and plus it’s a bonus to learn more about God.” So I went and it was very beneficial. They brought up the topic from last weeks lesson that as stuck with me a lot.
I have been so worried and anxious that I would feel like this forever, that I would never get myself out of this funk. That I would forever be wrapped up in my ex’s hold onto my emotions and I would be lost forever. I see him out here in a new relationship, a relationship that happened six days after he told me he loved me. He seems to have forgotten all about me, and yet I am still here upset over him. Why can’t I just move on, like he did so easily? Then I remembered what was spoken at bible study. God’s timing is not really time at all. God doesn’t do things based on time. He doesn’t follow time, like all of us do. We live our lives on the clock. We plan everything out by time. So when prayers go unanswered, it’s not because he doesn’t hear us, it’s that his time is not our time.
Picture a clock, God is in the center where the minute and hour hand meet. All of us are on the outside of the numbers. God sees all the numbers and he sees all of us. You are standing at 3 o’clock praying to God waiting for him to answer your prayers right away, God sees you, he sees the present at 6 o’clock, he sees your future at 9 o’clock, and he sees your past at 12 o’clock. He sees everything, all the numbers, and where you are on your journey. So even though you want God to answer your prayers at 3 o’clock, he sees everything that you have yet to be and everything that is about to happen, and in his timing, shows you the answer to your prayers.
It’s hard not to base your life on time, when it’s how we are raised. I almost gave up my faith because I was so hurt by everything that I have endured, I forgot that God hears me, he sees that I am struggling, and he knows what is about to happen next. I know my prayers won’t go unanswered, I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am supposed to think about these things, not because I want to, but because that is what needs to happen in order for me to grow. Flowers can’t bloom without a little rain.
Today I thought about my ex and his new girlfriend less and less. It was a breath of fresh air, I was able to not think about them 24/7. But when they did come into my thoughts, I was able to decipher if I needed to think about them to get over it, or if I was overthinking about it.
In the meantime of not thinking about them, a very close friend of mine had just lost someone very close to him. I asked him what I could, what he needed me to do, so I could be there for him. He said there was nothing I could do, but I sat and listened to him anyway. A dear friend of his passed away earlier this week, and he told me they had a fight and his friend spoke harsh words to him, that he has been overthinking about. Wow, I know exactly how he feels. It all made sense, I was in the same boat, just different circumstances and I feel like I was able to give beneficial advice on how to deal when someone says hurtful things to you. I told him, people say things they don’t mean all the time, and he shouldn’t be so focused on what was said, rather he should remember him for all the good that he brought to my friend’s life. Then I sat back and thought, “Allie, maybe you should take your own advice.” Here I sit, overthinking every hurtful thing my ex said to me, and instead of dwelling on it, I should accept the past and move on.
I know how my ex is, I know he loves to hurt me, it feeds his ego. That’s just the type of person he is. I have been receiving hurtful words from him for years, and he always says sorry and that he doesn’t mean it, he just wants to upset me because somewhere along the line I hurt him. I am not bashing who he is, everything that is being said, he told me this is why he does it. He has told me many times before, he hurts me on purpose. I can’t ever believe him because he is always saying something hurtful, and then tries to take it back. Tries to apologize as if it were that easy to just dismiss everything he has said to me. He is always going back on his word, therefore his word means nothing to me, and here I am dwelling on things he probably only said, just to get a rise out of me. I realized when I think about what he said, I’m not upset that he said those things, I am more upset that he is saying those things on purpose just to hurt me. I am upset that he thinks that it is okay, which it most definitely is not.
But he has a new girlfriend now, and he is no longer my problem. I am finally free from the mental and emotional abuse he caused me over the last three years of our relationship. I can finally live my life without thinking about him and his feelings. I can start to embrace all of the small victories that I have accomplished so far, and look forward to all of the growth I have for my future.
I know I will still have harder days ahead of me, but I am trying to take them one day at a time. I will not let this harden me, and I will forever continue to shine my light whether it be in big or small ways.
Always spread love and kindness,
P.s. As a reminder…