Some days are harder than others. Some days I still get upset seeing everyone else moving on and I am still reliving everything that has happened through the last month. Although I am reliving the memories of everything I have gone through, I see the memories in a different light now.
At first, I see the memories of how they were when they happened. But now I am seeing the memories for how they really are. For an example, within my last relationship, there were moments where a loved one was taken away too soon, sometimes unexpectedly, times where I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I leaned on my ex to be there for me and comfort me in a time of need. I begged him to go to the funeral with me so I wouldn’t have to face it alone. In the memory the first time around, I saw him at the funeral with me. But in the new light of remembrance I realize I wasn’t looking at everything from that memory. The new light, is the truth from the memory. The truth that I had to beg him to be there for me. He made it a big deal he had to go to funeral, because funerals aren’t his thing. We fought at the funeral home, in line, while waiting to pay my respects because he was mad he had to be there.
Realizing now that anything I asked of him, was the bare minimum. I literally begged him to be there for me. I spent so many years begging him to love me. I am so sad that I didn’t have enough self-worth or self-respect to realize I should never have to beg someone to love me. Writing this makes me cry. I cry because I know now I will never beg someone to love me again. I will never beg someone to be there for me. The person that is meant for me, will know how to comfort me before I even say a word.
I’m writing this to myself because I deserve an apology. Allie, I can’t even fathom all the hurt I put you through because I didn’t see that you are worth it. You have always been worth it. I believed the lies of others over my own voice. I shamed you, I made you believe you weren’t good enough. I let people disrespect you, and for what? A sliver of a twisted love that doesn’t even match up to the love you deserve. I let you fall through the cracks, as I was busy repairing everyone else but you. I put you on the back burner. I left you in the dark when you needed me most. I let you beg someone to love you and for that I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
That will NEVER happen again.
If one good thing came from all of this, is that I found me. I found that I am worth it. I am deserving of a Godly love. I have put so much work into myself in this last month alone and I have so much self-respect for myself now that I never had before and for that I am forever grateful. I have a whole new deep appreciation for myself and the way I am able to pull myself out of dark places, while still being able to shine the light God gave me.
Allie, I love you. As I wait for the Godly love that the Lord has in store for me, I choose to commit to you every day. Day in and day out, over and over again, I choose you. I choose to heal our mind and heart through God’s love. I choose to become the best version of myself. I will speak highly of you, to you, daily. I will respect you every day for the rest of my life. I will shower you with self-love. I will never leave you, and you can always count on me.