I’ve Prayed For What I Have Now

I highly recommend writing down your thoughts. Whether that is in a journal or just random sticky notes, having a place where your thoughts are written down in one place is so much more helpful than I originally thought. Writing down your thoughts help you understand them and help you not think about what is on your mind so much. But today, I found another reason why it is so good to write down your thoughts.

Two years ago, my ex and I broke up, that was the initial break-up that sent my mind and soul searching for deeper answers and questioning who I was and what was out there for me. In the last two years I have kept a journal that I write down my thoughts that were then, on my mind a lot and I needed a way to figure them out. My journal is organized, color-coded, and chronological. So when I refer back to something, or just simply reread entries, it all makes sense to me.

Today I don’t know why I have decided to reread old entries but I wanted to and I am so glad I did. As I read back through what I was going through two years ago, I realize back then, all I wanted was what I have now. Crazy isn’t it? I tried to move on two years ago and my ex made that impossible. I don’t say that lightly, believe I have tried. It was his way or no way. No matter what I did, who I was with, it didn’t last, not because I didn’t try with someone else, because I did. But because my ex pushed away all the potential people I tried to move on with, away. I don’t blame them, I wouldn’t want to stay and try to make something new, while someone else had an obsessive ex either. I understood completely why they walked away, and I wished that, that could be me too. But after I was left with no one but my ex, exactly what he wanted; I told myself it was a sign to get back together. I tried to move on and it didn’t work out, and I returned to comfort-ability and history.

As soon as I returned to the relationship, I knew deep down I made the wrong choice. My heart wasn’t in it anymore. Whether it was how he was acting or the way I was being treated, I didn’t want to be in that relationship anymore. But I didn’t have the voice I have now, and I just got back together with him. I didn’t know if maybe I was just confused and didn’t know what I wanted. That the months prior trying to move on from him, maybe I was over him and I decided to settle because he made it clear no one else wanted me. Whatever the reason was, I wrote in my journal that I was at my happiest when I was single and trying to move on from him and that’s all I wanted, was to have that single time for myself back.

Lately I have been feeling highs and lows. But now I am more grateful for my lows, because maybe they aren’t really lows at all. Two years ago, I prayed for what I have now. To be single, to focus solely on me. To respect myself and love myself enough to walk away from comfort-ability and history. To start a new chapter in my life and not being held back. To finally live my life however I see fit. No one gets to shame me for staying out until 10pm with my friends. No one gets to tell me who I am going to be, or what I should be doing with my life. I am in control of my life, finally. I am forever finding new things to be grateful for within the life that I live now.

My wish for all of you, is to find new things to be grateful for within your life. They can be big or small, no matter the size, always be grateful for what you have. Even if your life isn’t in the place you want it to be right now, praying for something better always works. Although mine came two years later, I know for a fact, if it would have came any sooner, I would have not made the same realizations I have made today. I would not have been grateful for what God sent me, if he didn’t do it in his timing. Knowing that this very day would be the day that I would truly experience another magical moment within Christ.

Sending love and happiness,
-Allie


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