Living Overload

Last Wednesday was supposed to be another normal day. I would drop the dogs off at my ex’s at the time I knew he goes to the gym. I just wanted to drop them off and head home to spend time with my mom. I never expect him to be there because I tend to pick the dogs up and drop them off when I know he won’t be there. I thought this day was like every other time, I would drop them off, and tell them their dad would be back soon to spend time with them. But I pulled up and his truck was there. So I told myself, just let the dogs in and leave. There aren’t many moments that he and I are in the same area. So I asked him a few questions pertaining the dogs and their diet and future vet visits and turned to leave when the unthinkable happened.

As I stood in his doorway, he asked me if I wanted to come in, I didn’t. I stood there thinking I would be gone in a minute, but that wasn’t the case. Instead he overshared his problems he was having. In the midst of him telling me all his life problems he has been having the last few weeks, I really wanted to ask why he was telling me this and not his new girlfriend, but I didn’t, I let him blurt all of this out.

I didn’t really understand why he was telling me his life issues, but I guess because we did date for six years, I was a person he came to before, but I am not now so why overshare? He shared that he was deeply sorry for all the hurt he caused me and the way he handled the last few months of our relationship. He has been struggling to clean out my office that I had at his house. He has been dreaming about me for the last week, and stating that his dreams feel so real that he wakes up expecting a text message from me, because he awakes believing we are still dating. He has told me his problems within his new relationship, the one where he was so quick to jump in to. The one where it made me question my self-worth. He told me he rushed into his new relationship and is coming to terms that the things we shared, and the comfort-ability we had within our relationship, he will never have with someone else ever again. He reminisced on some of our flirty moments within our failed relationship. He told me that he misses the way our relationships was or how I did things that made him feel good within our relationship. For instance, I asked him everyday how his day was going, constantly talking to him, and his new girlfriend apparently doesn’t do that.

He blurted all of this out and I didn’t know what to do. I was flabbergasted. What the heck do you do when you get something you didn’t ask for? During my struggle months, during my dark times, I prepared myself to never get an explanation about how he handled things or get an apology. I told myself I would never get one, and was satisfied with that. I didn’t need him to do any of that, I didn’t ask him to do that. I simply came to drop the dogs off in peace and now I am listening to him rant for an hour and a half in his doorway. I felt like I was seeing this situation unfold in front of me in a third person position. As if I was having an outer body experience watching everything come out.

As he sat there telling me he was reaching out to God and that he is deeply sorry for everything he has done within our relationship and he is realizing he has wronged me, I stood there questioning if I could believe him. You are probably thinking, “Why would you question him? He is pouring his heart out saying he is sorry, why can’t you just forgive him?” But what you don’t understand is that I already have forgiven him, I forgave him long before he gave me this apology. I forgave him the day he left me in a dark place and chose her. I forgave him months ago so I could have inner peace because I never believed he could truly be sorry for his actions. The other thing you can’t see that I unfortunately can, is the fact that this is what he does. He comes to these realizations months after we break up. The only difference now is that we will never get back together. I will never believe another apology that comes from his mouth. I will never degrade my worth based on his faulty words.

I left his house and as soon as I got in my car I asked myself what the fuck just happened. I looked at God and said, “what the hell was that? I didn’t ask for that, I didn’t need that, why would you show me that?” I immediately called my first best friend to explain what just unfolded. I hung up with her and called my second best friend and told her. I went home and told my mom. Every single one of them told me to never go back to him, they believe he is trying to keep me locked in on him because he is realizing he lost me. They were worried I would throw away all of my hard work on myself and return like I did every time before. That night I laid in bed and prayed to God like I do every night. I prayed for the usual people and animals and for world peace like I have always done. But I also asked God if it would make me a bad human being if I prayed to him that my ex could keep struggling like this for a little while longer. I felt like a terrible person asking this, knowing it would sound terrible but saying it anyway. Standing in his doorway listening to him struggle, I will admit it made me slightly happy. Happy that he was struggling, that he felt a glimpse of what I felt for the last two months. I felt like such a bad person, wanting to pray that someone keeps struggling. Even though I asked God if I could do that, I didn’t and instead I prayed that my ex’s troubles would subside. For a minute I hated myself for doing this. He wronged me for so many years, made me feel worthless, unable to be loved, broke me down so hard I couldn’t put myself back together as before, and yet I prayed for him anyway. I felt like I am too nice, that I can’t just pray for him to struggle and go to bed. Instead I had to do the right thing and pray for him and his struggles.

The next day came and I replayed everything he said, I was getting angry about it. I was angry because I had already dealt with these struggles. The realistic dreams that are just dreams, the days where I spent overthinking everything negative he said to me, and now I am doing it again, but with this load of shit. I was angry God was making me think of all of this again. I already gotten through this once, why make me relive it again? The following night, I talked to my third best friend. I said to her how I stood in his doorway questioning whether I believed him when he said he was deeply sorry. She responded with, “Maybe it’s not your place to judge whether he is truly sorry or not. Maybe that is between him and God, maybe this is a way that you can move on.” She was right, I didn’t have to know if he meant it or not, I just had to move on. I told her how I asked God if it made me a bad person to want to pray he keeps struggling. She enlightened me and said, “Don’t feel like that makes you a bad person, that’s just the human in you.” I told her even though I asked God if I could do that, I didn’t, and I prayed that my ex would come out from his struggles. I told her I hated myself for it and I am too nice. She enlightened me again and said, “Don’t hate yourself because you think you are too nice. You are nice to someone who hurt you, that shows more about who you are.” As I listened to her, I realized I was still growing. Even in times where I felt in a funk and questioned if I was still growing for the better, it turns out I am. I was given an opportunity to improve myself, and I did. I showed my ex grace, instead of hate. I showed my ex kindness in praying for him, even though he has never once prayed for me nor ever will. Just when I think I am at a stand still in growth, I continue to amaze myself.

The next day I wrote some thoughts down in my journal. Since the best way to stop thinking about something is to write it down, I decided I didn’t want to think about what he meant by telling me all of these things, I just wanted to separate my thoughts and move on. As I wrote the recap of the other night I finished my entry by stating the following:
– I love myself too much to put myself at the hands of someone who hurts me.
– I have a lot of self-respect for myself and refuse to allow someone to disrespect me in the ways he does.
– I’m worth more than the effort he gives me.
– I’ve worked too damn hard to rebuild myself and I will not regress all of my hard work for someone who can’t see my worth.

After I was finished writing I started to smile and laugh a little. I realized God wasn’t trying to put me back where I already overcame. He was reminding me that I can close that chapter and move on. It was a reminder that no matter what my ex can say, even though I have heard these words from him hundreds of times before, I am at the point now where I can actually move on. He doesn’t have this hold over me anymore. He can say whatever he wants, and I don’t have to look back. I don’t have to question if he means it, I can just simply move on.

There is so much to praise God for. In my case, I came to the realization of this lesson within a few days. I didn’t have to dwell on it for months like every lesson before this. I finally learned this lesson after spending years living it. Every time my ex hurt me, and we broke up, and he realized I was worth it after he lost me, and apologized, I finally learned to love myself, and know I am worth more than someone having to lose me to know I am worth it. I finally learned that lesson. I see my worth through God’s eyes. If God sees more in me, I can see more in me. He reminded me in a way that I would understand. One of the most amazing traits about God is that he shows you his love and grace in ways only you can see. He is constantly working on each one of us and giving us daily ah-ha moments where we can learn and fully understand his way of life and love.

I didn’t ask for an apology and I didn’t need him to give me one. I did need a gentle reminder that I am worth more and I won’t stop working towards my greater self, because no matter where God leads me, I am well on my way of achieving greatness.

As always, sending an abundance of love and grace,
– Allie