Mind Over Matter

For the last few months I was angry with my ex and how he handled the breakup, along with what he did to me within our relationship. I caught myself hating his actions, how he loved me, what he thought love was. I found myself replaying the last two years of our relationship and rethinking every fight, and what he was really doing. Every thing he ever said to me, I started to pick apart what he really was saying, or not saying. How his actions weren’t lining up with the bullshit that was coming out of his mouth. I found myself at this place time and time again.

All I wanted was to get over it, to stop being angry about it. It had been months since everything fell out the way it did, and I realized I was mad about it before, but not this angry. This was a whole new level of anger. Something I didn’t I could feel. Anytime I thought about the whole situation I was instantly angry and I honestly was angry for a lot of reasons. I felt like no matter how hard I tried to not be angry about it, the angrier I got. I decided to ride it out, and maybe it was just one of the phases you have to get past in a break-up to be able to move on. But as I was riding out this wave of anger, I felt like I was going to be angry forever. I was trying to feel everything, and be angry so I could let it go, but I didn’t see how I was going to move on.

There is a thin line between riding out the waves of emotion and being stuck in the tidal waves forever. I felt as if I was riding out these waves, but I was being sucked into a riptide. My emotions were starting to overwhelm the rest of my thoughts and I started to have a negative mindset. I’ve worked really hard to always see the light in every situation and train my mind to be grateful for what I have, and I could feel myself slipping into the darkness that can appear in your mind. It wasn’t depression, or suicidal thoughts, but rather the negative talk and how I felt with everything around me.

I decided I would allow myself to feel angry but I wasn’t going to dwell on what happened, because the truth is, I can’t change the past. It came and went, and I have no control over it, and as I sift through my emotions, this is something I needed to remember. I decided even though I was angry, I would just focus on myself and God. Something I can control is myself, my thoughts, and my mindset.

Anytime I thought about the whole break-up and feeling angry, I shifted my focus to myself and God. I would tell myself, “yes you are angry, but let’s focus on you and God.” Every time a thought about my ex or what happened came to mind, I told myself this same line over and over again, and eventually the thought of my ex went away. Times where the thought of him would stay longer than I wanted, I decided to write down why I was upset. (I cannot stress enough, writing down your thoughts and feelings, is so beneficial, more than meets the eye). I sorted out my thoughts and feelings in my journal and it allowed myself to put my thoughts in order, and why I was feeling certain ways and how that connected to the thoughts I was having about it. I was angry for a lot of reasons, and I was able to write down the reason why and connect it to my feelings. Certain reasons made me feel certain ways. I had different levels of high-intensity anger and I was able to figure out if it was true anger, or maybe I was sad, or frustrated, which in turn made my angry. When I wrote this entry in my journal I had no intentions of it actually helping my process of being angry. I know the importance of writing down your thoughts and feelings, but I was feeling this way for months and didn’t comprehend that this was going to help until it did. Even though I tell all of you the importance of writing as it aids in your mental health, I sometimes forget about the benefits.

A benefit that I forgot about was how writing down your thoughts, sorts them, and in turn makes you understand yourself, and you think of everything less. This benefit might help you, or it might not, but I know when I write down how I feel, I start to think about it all less because I have a hard copy of how I feel. I have my feelings sorted out, and they are no longer jumbled inside my head. The reasons of anger are sorted in the appropriate emotion, and I am able to understand why certain reasons cause certain emotions.

Long story short, I wrote down my thoughts and feelings and I am no longer angry. I can confidently say I am not angry for how it all played out. I can confidently say I am grateful. I realized I shouldn’t focus so much on how it ended, just be thankful that it did. Was I hurt in the process? Absolutely. But I would have hurt a lot more if I ended up being stuck in a relationship that wasn’t going help me grow in the ways I needed. I no longer wonder what it would be like to be alone, I know now I prefer it. I’m not being mistreated, or taken for granted. I’ve gained so many blessings after that relationship ended that I shouldn’t be angry, but thankful. I got everything I have always dreamt of having, and what I don’t have, I am one step closer to getting.

One thing to note though, is I did not get here the minute I wrote down my thoughts. It took time to come to this new perspective. It was constant work with myself and my mind to turn a negative into a positive. I’m so excited for my future and everything that God has in store. Including the bad and the good, because the hard times makes great growth and I am all about growing and healing.

-Allie


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