I Now Know

I just want to start off by saying, it’s completely okay to not know. Doesn’t matter what the subject matter is, if you don’t have a solid answer for something, you will be okay because eventually the answer will come to you. With that being said, let me take you to a time within my last relationship where I didn’t have an answer to a really important question and how that affected me.

My ex and I fought a lot and for many different reasons, but one reason in particular dealt with marriage. He wanted to get married and I did not. Don’t get me wrong, in the honeymoon stage of the relationship I envisioned us being married and having a family, but as the relationship furthered along, I was unsure about how I felt about marriage.

This made me question who I was as a person. Since I was a child I saw myself married and with children but now all the sudden it felt as though maybe this is not what I wanted. I felt lost as to who I was. A goal that I had for myself, seemed as though I no longer wanted, and feeling as if I didn’t want to get married, made me question everything about myself. He would ask me if I wanted to get married and I continuously said, “I don’t know.” He didn’t understand how I didn’t know and I didn’t understand how I didn’t have a better answer. What didn’t I know? Why didn’t I want to get married? What is wrong with me? I asked myself these questions all the time and I was very frustrated with myself. It’s hard questioning who you are and everything you thought you wanted in life.

I was struggling a lot because I felt as if I didn’t know who I was anymore. He would get angry that I didn’t know, and I felt even worse. Why can’t I figure this out? All I knew was I had a gut feeling that I don’t want to get married. But in retrospect, I did want to get married, I just didn’t want to marry him. Trust me, that answer took me a long time to get. Actually I just figured it out today. I finally have an answer to a question that was asked two years ago.

I had this gut feeling or maybe it was God nudging me saying, “he isn’t the one” or maybe it was both, but looking back I am so glad I didn’t shake the feeling of not knowing. Something bigger than me was warning me not to do it, not to marry this person. It was unbelievably hard to experience this feeling and not being able to understand why I was having this feeling or being able to explain it myself. When I said I was frustrated, I mean it in every sense. Every single day I was getting more angry with myself and why I couldn’t figure this out. Who am I that I can’t even explain how I feel? That in itself was hard to accept. When the relationship ended, is when I was able to truly understand that gut feeling and everything made sense.

The truth finally revealed itself and the gut feeling that I was enduring made me realize that God was telling me through my instincts not to marry this person. We broke up and he finally admitted to talking to other girls for the last two years of our relationship. That was it, then I knew. God was witnessing him do things and say things that were disrespectful to me and God in a way said, “he isn’t the one.” THANK GOD, literally thanking him every single day since then for being in my corner and looking out for what is best for me. I am glad he had my back during that moment because if it wasn’t for the gut feeling, I would have married him and I would have been unhappy.

Sometimes its okay if the answer isn’t presented to you right away. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world not being able to explain why you feel a certain way especially when you are pressured to have the answer about your own feelings. But trust in the unknown, trust that the big man upstairs has a plan for you and trust your instincts. He sees everyone, he sees the things that are happening when you aren’t around. He sees the unjustifiable actions of others no matter how much you think you know someone.

Always, always, always have faith. God knows exactly what is going to happen, he has big plans for your future, trust in him. Always trust your instincts, whether you believe in them or not, you are feeling things for a reason, trust what you are feeling. There is always a reason, even if you don’t see it at first. Stay true to yourself, it’s okay if you don’t have an answer right away, because eventually the truth comes out.

Spread kindness and positivity,
– Allie


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