The biggest lesson I learned as I overcame my toxic relationship was to know what I deserve. There were so many times I bent over backwards for the one I loved that I ignored that the same energy, time, and effort wasn’t being reciprocated. I thought it was my fault he couldn’t give me the same love I showed him. That in some form, if I tried harder maybe he would too but that was never the case.
Its not a bad thing to want to put someone first, to love them so much, to bend over backwards for someone. It only becomes unhealthy when the other person doesn’t show you the love you need by giving you time and attention and effort.
Knowing what I deserve intertwines with a lot of aspects. For one, it comes from the specific time given to me, my time. When I realized I deserved more I understood that my time is precious. I don’t get another life after this one. How I choose to spend my time and with whom is my choice. If someone isn’t going to appreciate the time I give them, my time, then that’s where I draw the line. We all have a busy life, we all do things and spend time on things that are important to us. For me, I spend time on my work, my schooling, and those I consider important around me, and my hobbies. If any of these things that I choose to spend my time on no longer appreciates the time I am giving up towards these aspects, then it will never receive more of my time. If my job doesn’t see the amount of time I give them per week and appreciate the time I give up, or a family member or friend can’t recognize you made time for them in your busy life, then I won’t give them anymore of my time. When I recognized my worth, I realized I am allowed to be selfish with my time. I am allowed to say no to things that are draining, or people who are draining and unappreciative.
With my time comes boundaries, which follows suit with what I deserve. The hardest lesson I had to learn was where to draw the line. If something or someone is draining me mentally or emotionally, I had no choice but to cut them out. When I started my year dating myself I gave each person two chances, sometimes even one if my vibe or intuition was off about them. I didn’t waste my time for them to show me chance after chance their ability to do wrong to me, or have them drain any part of me I was trying to rebuild for the better. You can still be a kind, good-hearted person even if you have to cut people out of your life. This lesson was the hardest for me to learn because I see the good in people far too often especially if they had done me wrong. I would think to myself, “they didn’t mean it” or “they should have another chance, because I wouldn’t do that to them, so it was probably just a bad day for them, they wouldn’t do that to me.” Actions speak volumes over any words or apologies anyone could say. Once I learned this hard lesson it was so easy to cut people out of my life. I still try to look for the good in everyone, but this time around I am more wary of what could come from anyone. I don’t wait for chance after chance, I am still able to cut people out of my life who’ve done me wrong because I have the boundaries set because I know what I deserve.
The bottom line is, don’t give your time to those who don’t make time for you. We are all busy, every single one of us has a busy life. Keep those around you who make time to see you even in all of their chaos. Those people appreciate your time, those people want to see you. Never feel guilty to demand what you deserve. If you are willing to learn someone’s love language, they should be able to want to learn yours. My love language pertains to anyone in my life, my friends, my family, my boyfriend. They all know by now the only thing I truly want from any one of them, is their time and attention. Figure out your love language, what you need from someone, it doesn’t matter who, and make sure those in your life are giving you what you need. Be sure to set boundaries for those who aren’t because your time is YOUR TIME. Use your time wisely, and on those who appreciate you and your time. How much time you give to unnecessary people and jobs, and things says a lot about how you see yourself. Don’t waste your time on things that any generic Joe can do. Do things that excite you, do things for those who do things for you because you both equally appreciate the other person’s clock of time. We only get one life, don’t waste your time on things that don’t bring you happiness, or growth, or love. Never feel guilty for speaking up for what you deserve, and forget those who can’t see your worth, because their are people out there who will speak your language.
Sending you clarity, peace, and guidance,
– Allie
Living Overload 